Things that hurt.

I'm broken. He broke me. And I don't... know how. Or why. I mean...

I know I fell in love with him like I didn't fell for... any of them.
Because he's just... everything. He's stmarter. And meaner. And sicker.
And honest about... most of it. So that's more. He's more.
He's also the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

He's not right for me. So I'm not right for him.
And that's clear. That's loud and clear and doesn't make me love him any less.

I won't forgive him. It's not forgivable.
He'd never ask for it, no, but that's besides the case.
I won't forgive him and that doesn't make me love him any less either.

But it all keeps me on my feet. I'm on my feet.
And I'm trying. I breath. I do. I smiled today.
I'm standing, but I'm broken.

I smiled today and it was sick.
I recognize the feelings, the urges, but
I'm so much braver now. And I'll allow it, if I can have it.

I wonder when I got translucid. I'm transparent.
It's... all so painfully obvious. See-though.
But I'm... honest. And I'm at peace with myself.

So I'm standing, and I'm broken. And I'm at peace with myself,
because I'm not cheating myself. And I trust me.
Even if he doesn't. Even if she doesn't.

I'm lonely. And I hope I get to tell him that I love him, even though it won't change a thing.
I want the chance to say it. And I don't know if I'll get it, of if I'll take it.
And I hate seing the paralels. I hate that he's doing the same thing, puting me in the same place.
I hate him for not being able to take me. For not wanting to take me.
And he will always be my first Dom.
And I wish he were different. And...

And I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him.

I love you even though you're awful. I love you even though you're selfish, even though you've treated me like shit, even though you will continue to hurt me, knowingly.
I love you even if I'm mad and don't want to talk to you. Even if you seem to have changed personalities.
I love you even though I was dissatisfied. I love you even though you'd never give me what I want.

I love you even though I don't know if we could ever be happy together.
But I love you madly, deeply, whole.

I love you even though I've never told you.
But now it's all I can say.

I love you and wish I could give you the world. But I can't.

I love you and it feels like it's never gonna stop. Will it?

I don't want a second-best life. Mostly 'cause it's not a close second.

pmsing and a tiny bit of bdsm

So your self proclaimed girlfriend has gone insane. On your birthday. Yikes.
You know facebook right? it fucking keeps record of everything man. Every fucking little thing you said to your ugly ex. Like when you called her what you call me now. Isn't that adorable?
Will I be as written off your life in a few months like she is now?
But I'm setting myself a little high here. Because you had quite the conection with this girl, didn't you?
She was obviously a bit on the pervert side, like you, and yes, like myself too. You like that, right?
You sure liked her, didn't you? You gave her a collar. You gave her a fucking collar, didn't you?

I would fucking kill for that. And you've talked about it, you said you wanted to give me one.
Oh man that really sent me through the roof. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. But time keeps passing by, and here I am, collarless.
Maybe I'm not worthy of it. Maybe you think I should try harder. And I kinda agree.
But I'm tired and awfull and about to get my period, see, so I can't really go for it exactly now. I'm sorry.
Fuck I really am. And I'd like to be able to explain that, to be able to ask your forgiveness, but I shouldn't even do that!
You're not my fucking master, hopefully, yet. But how I wish you were.
Every time you let slip that evil little smile, it's just so beautifull, I can't help but wish you'd apply all that nasty thoughts on me.

I don't want to be impatient. I'd wait however long you see fit, if I knew there's the reward of being yours waiting ahead. I just want to know if it's all in my head or if things can really be that way.

trying to get it off my head.

- The thing is, if you were in fact in love with her, which you haven't
denied -repeatedly-, so I'm assuming you were, why did you avoid telling me
about her? It's not like I didn't ask.

I know it's nothing. I know I'm being irrational and I know it would be the stupidest thing to ruin something this good over a stupid little thing on his past, specially when we've overcame mine. But, then again, I haven't got the slightest idea if it's just a stupid little thing.
First love is no stupid little thing. Although, many times it is sorta stupid.

Rambling calms me. The Chandler thing, pf.
I just can't get it out of my mind. And I am, god, terrified.

Ooooh please please please deny it. Please please please.

i think he was right.

I'm taking a look at my process.

You know, how did I got to the point in which I was so lonely and fucked up I found comfort on his best friend? I don't think I've wondered that enough.

Anyway, I was checking out my year and it hit me. 

I wasn't unhappy. We weren't disaster. He was right.

Up until the moment I woke up and gained conscience of what I've done, we were on a really good place. We weren't fighting, actually, we had barely fought at all for like, five months.

We were perfectly happy. I mean, not, but I was no sad little girl lost in the woods.

Damn it, I really wish I'd remember that night. It would come in handy to know what the fuck was I thinking.

beautiful and loyal mark darcy.

The most amazing thing happened yesterday.
I was on my typical Bridget's mode, you know, pj's chips and cheese, and that woman thing got me. That paralyzing fear of being alone. But the I remembered... oh my, I'm not alone.
I'm so very glad I'm not alone!
Later in the day, me in the exact same position of course, the phone rang. It rang! And it was him.
He called, just like he said he would. I'm still not over the surprise.
It's not complicated. I don't have to refrain myself from thinking, feeling or saying anything.
I don't have to doubt if he's telling me the truth. I don't have to be looking for someone to forget him.
I don't have to correct people when they say we're together.

It's been so long, and I had gotten used to it.
I don't ever want to get used to something like that again.

And I'm enjoying everything about it like you wouldn't believe.
Every detail, every second. Every word and every silence.
Every part of his self, every inch of his skin.

hoy.. es un día muy raro.

tal vez tenga que ver con el no dormir.

pero hoy, no estoy.

archive, agenda, dear diary

so many words, so many fights

me es dificil ubicarme en el tiempo presente.

acaso no acavo de dejar a fede?

no estoy indignada por alguna cosa que hizo san?

aquí estoy descubriendo con horror que me enamoré de mi mejor amiga.

pequeñas historias e histerias de la (mi) vida cotidiana.

cómo, cuándo, dónde?

paso 8 horas al día en este pseudo sótano y no es quien soy.

volver, volver a este presente del que parezco tan desatachada.

volver, volver y descanzar.

I'm gonna make it through this day.

     And I'm gonna do it in heels.

..maybe then i can get a good night sleep..

and this is where i start to hesitate, where it starts to hurt.

where i'm weak and i look back as a walk away

and i turn to salt.

i have been here before.

on this very day, no wonder.

but i don't wanna be salt.

the temptation to turn around is big, as to stay in my comfort place

to settle for what's familiar. to choose the safe rout i know by heart.

i refuse to settle. i refuse to be a statue.

and there it is, a sunshine waiting for me ahead.

un kid y esquizofrenia.

bailamos

un vals

al compás de tu love song.

cuando cierro los ojos

y veo los tuyos y escucho

tu love song.

do you follow your head or your heart? la típica.

suerte que no soy tan auto indulgente para creer que me excusa.

suerte?

y esto, no ves, no es lo de siempre.

cuándo me oíste hablar de tu love song?

cómo los tonos tierra ahora de repente

son acordes? y qué carajo sé yo de acordes?

cuentos, lollypops, utopías

es este, como él diría, mi nuevo personaje?

tal vez sea toda esa ingenuidad parte de tu encanto,

es seguro que hay algo en ese arrojo y esa ceguera,

como si el mundo fuera a acabarse..

reconozco a la que era en las palabras, en las ideas

en ese arrojo y esa ceguera. tal vez se trate de eso.

es cierto que estoy tan cansada de tanta bitterness.

qué es, después de todo, lo tan terrible?

diecinueve son solo diecinueve y no suenan tan lejanos a.

porqué no podría tener yo esa frescura y esa energía

de golpearme y golpearme la cabeza contra la pared, como antes.

la ingenuidad viene con esperanza. y no se trata de olvidar.

porqué no, dulzura, entonces, una vez más.

volver a un punto balanceado. recuperar lo que es mío.

ensillar ese caballo y partir, como siempre, sola a mi aventura.

ves? yo nunca diría eso. pero lo hubiera pensado. ah, si lo he pensado.

curioso pero no tanto que una vez más el catalizador sea alguien más.

y por supuesto, tu love song. procuraré llevarla conmigo.

no qué crea ni quiera alejarme de ella. cuidado.

es, después de todo, con quién mejor la paso.

pero como buena droga es inconstante e inconsciente. deja resaca.

y solo dura un rato.

entonces:

qué placer viajar de nuevo contigo, dulzura.

te he extrañado.

a high fall down to earth.

I'm acting like a freaking dumb schoolgirl.

Checking my emails every five minutes. What the fuck am I expecting?

Is this my answer to a bit of interest? How very pathetic of me.

What happened to my decision? It's not an option, remember?

And it's just a song and some puzzling words. And a very nebulous moment.

I'm responsible for what happens. So I need my brain thinking straight.

Just calm down, shut the fuck up and stop acting like an idiot.

I feel like I'm seventeen myself.

bullshit.

I'm ok
You're ok
Everything's fine and I don't mind. No we don't mind.
Everything's great and nothing change.
Just like brother and sister. Only not.

The ingenuity annoy me. How could it possibly be the same?
Everything you said you loved is gone. It can't be.
Now it's weird. And we're not comfortable.
That's not ok.

It is different for you. It is different for me.
I don't want to be your sister.
It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like this.
If I'm not comfortable, if you are not comfortable.
We can't talk, we can't laugh, we can't joke.
It doesn't work like this.

I just hope it works.
Maybe it'll work just fine. And then in time.
God I hope it works.

I mean, seriously, it's just sex!

choices, choices

The what ifs are always there. What if I would had bought the blue dress? What if I'd had a pizza instead of a yogurt? Well this are my what ifs.

What if I wouldn't had called him? What if I wouldn't had fucked things up with Ale?
What if I would had stayed with Fran? What if I wouldn't had taken him back?
What if I would had chosen him?

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any regrets. Almost. They're just what ifs.
Would'a, Could'a, Should'a.
Little sharp questions that will pinch my butt forever 'cause I'll never have the answer.

What if I would had chosen him?

i just do.

..let me sing you a waltz, about this lovely one nigh stand..

I mean if they were hanged up for 9 years on this one romantic night in Prague..

Why can't I be hanged up on a year and a half relationship?

(yeah, I do know it's just a movie)

How can it still feel right?

What am I gonna do?

oh, oh, it's you again. hi gorgeous. would you walk through town with me?

ooh, oh.

kicking myself.

How can I be so stupid?

How could I've learned nothing in all these years?

How could I possibly resist those eyes?

How can I fall for it again?

Find myself in this oh so very familiar situation.

But no, I have learned. Not enough, obviously, but some things.

I won't let it spread. I won't be an ass about it.

I won't hold on to it. Quite the opposite.

At least I'm honest, with him and myself.

And I know better how to handle it.

And even if it got to be bad. And oh, it can be bad.

Even so, I'm good.

Have a routine to hold on to, have a number of distractions available.

Oh, but I have to admit, it feels so good.

To relax, to just feel it. To feel it again.

Damn, it feels so good.

me cuesta.

Saludar, sonreír, cómo estás.

Caminar, qué mirás.

Hace frío y me hace sentir mal.

No explotar.

Responder, no putear.

Traducir, filtrar.

Recordar que no se suele entender lo que digo sin pensar.

Pensar que piensan mal.

Molestar, preocupar si no me fijo.

Verborragia y la idea de que si me molesta te digo.

Y si estoy ebria y te digo no va a ser lo mismo.

Camuflar la violencia. Caretear no me gusta.

Ofender no es lo que busco pero qué.

Cuándo vale y cuándo no vale la pena.

Llamar. O llamar la atención. No hace falta nada.

A mi nadie me trata. A mi no.

Y ojito.

La indulgencia y la auto-indulgencia.

Yo espero no ser así.

Te lo perdono o te lo prohibo.

Dejar pasar por qué.

Quién sos para excusar.

Juzgar o aconsejar.

Quién soy para.

Poder o nada.

Lo único me voy a la mierda.

Tolerar por qué. Aprender.

Me cuesta.

No me gusta lo que no me gusta.

Límites y flexibilidades.

Lastimar.

Fuerza o debilidad.

Voluntad.

Dualidad y oposición.

La Psique que es debil.

Y la Voluntad que es fuerte y limitada.

Que se agota en sostener a la Psique que es debil.

O casi o depende del día.

Los puntos no me cansan me dan fuerza.

Me enseñaron que hacen menos dificil que se entienda.

Hoy la Psique está aislada y yo no puedo sonreir sin mentira.

Hoy no quiere explotar hoy quiere quedarse dormida.

La gente le sonríe y camina y quiere que se vayan.

Hoy la Voluntad está en mover los deditos y producir algunos sonidos, pocos.

La Psique se siente un poco hinchada y bastante callada.

Si le hablan mucho o algo muy dificil se maréa y se pone nerviosa.

La Voluntad la tiene que calmar y que callar.

Y a la Voluntad no le alcanzan las monedas y más vale que vaya buscando porque.

PS.

And then I choose him.

Not that I have anything other to go for..

Just saying. Daily, as part of the routine.

Never really considered not to.

have you seen the little piggies -not-

It's weird, but I feel like I hardly know her anymore.

I don't know her expressions, I don't recognize her people.

It's sad. Real sad.

And then there's the new friends.

New, awesome, smart, funny, perfect, in love with a friend of mine new friends.

How swell. (easy there, honey bun, off limits)

And then there's the slightly less new friends

who seem amazing. And who apparently likes to keep me waiting.

And mixed signals. And I'm so fucking horrible at this.

And then there's the always wonderful him.

Doing the same old things. Wonderful and not so much.

And then there's the nausea. And the shivering. And the soared body.

And the mass media-created panic.

And then there's the longings. And how much I fucking hate him.

oh, the guilt. and chaos.

I used to brag about my inability to feel guilty. Man, those were the days.

I feel it growing in me, dark and twisted. I can feel it spreading.

It messes with my head, it makes me act stupid. Stupider.

I can't even look at him. Hug him.

I jump every time he kisses me.

And it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. Really.

But he's being so very good to me. So, so good.

It's just chaotic. And, let's face it, slutty.

But it sort off makes me happy. Momentarily, but really happy.

A hug, a kiss, a touch, a smile. A smart comment. A nice thought.

And there's something about both of them. I just fall.

And then there's the more extended chaos.

The dreaming. Oh, the dreaming.

girl has a thing for artists.

A former anarchist I just had to have, and got to trust me.

A soul musician who was the smartest and sweetest and.

An art lover who turned into the most amazing of men.

A simple guy with a lot more to him than what meet the eye.

An unbelievably talented artist who became my best friend.

A charming performer who dazzled me with his words.

I know how to choose my man.

"The guy who gave me my first kiss and haven't seen since and now has a band with my ex"

"My dad's girlfriend's daughter's ex boyfriend"

I knew how to choose my man.

The little rich bitch's school former leader of the student council.

It would certainly make a nice addition.

Uhm, that guy. I bet that would be fun.

And then there's her..